36 weeks means the home visit where the midwife more or less comes over and "inspects" our home (or so it feels like to me) to make sure everything will work smoothly for a homebirth. For me this is the opportunity to give our house a thorough clean out, and clean up and that is what I did earlier this week. Nothing is nicer than a clean, cleaned out house. All my kids agree with me on this. It always feels so relaxing when those corners and closets and laundry are all the way they should be. Speaking of laundry, for about five minutes every month or so, I finally get the laundry done, and by done, I mean every load washed, put away, nothing sitting in the dryer waiting to be folded, no clothes on the couch folded and waiting to be put away, nothing in the laundry basket waiting to be washed, no clothes tucked away in the bedroom waiting to be brought downstairs. As I said, this is about a once a month occasion (or maybe less???) that is worth noting and thus I am documenting it here. Though, like I said, this momentous event lasts only about five minutes until Jude comes inside and needs to change his clothes which are covered in dirt, or Grace decides to change her shirt again, or, I don't know, I find a wet towel crammed into the cabinet after swimming.
I decided to do something a little different with the pictures this week, going for black and white at dusk and getting some sort of silhouette-type thing. Um, yeah, that's how I'll spin it...okay, so in reality it was more like a quick scramble and saying "Oh no, I am late again this week for my weekly photo- Here Grace, it's almost dark, so hold the camera steady and let's see what we get!"
These pictures are interesting to me though, because I think they really reflect the mood I was in at the end of the day. Looking back, yesterday was the sort of day I am rather ashamed of, at least ashamed of myself. It began in the morning the second I woke up- rather than go into all that's going on in my life, there has been an uncrossed detail on the try-to-do-if-possible before baby list that I have been kind of freaked out about for the last month. Or two. I've only mentioned it to Ben like, oh, every night before bed...oh, and in the middle of the night...and certainly first thing in the morning the second my eyes have opened.
"Ben, what are we going to do about--??!!" He kept telling me, "It'll work out." And I didn't believe him. Yesterday morning started with that same worry. And joining it came what was to me another completely justifiable concern. And then I worried about something else. And I thought of more things I could worry over. And before I knew it, by afternoon I had turned into some sort of train wreck. Sobbing, I told Ben I was going to Wal-mart and gathering the last things I needed before baby arrived ("At least I'll be getting my part done," is what I didn't say, but both of us knew I was thinking).
When I got home the thing I had been dreading about for weeks- WEEKS! Had resolved itself just like Ben promised me it would. All that worrying- over nothing! Gone! The other concerns that I had seemed so minor all of sudden and I realized I had made a mountain out of a molehill. And throughout the rest of the afternoon even the molehill, I realized, was not even that. More like...hmmm....an anthill. Not very scary. I immediately felt so convicted by my silly behavior and the scripture came to mind, "Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?" Matthew 6:25.
Silly, silly me. Hasn't God always, ALWAYS taken care of me? Aren't I His child? Doesn't He love me? What a waste of time and energy worrying about the future, which hasn't taken place yet. How often have I worried over something that in the end never even happened? It's like being scared of monsters in the closet. They aren't REAL! I'm not saying that annoying things never happen, or that we shouldn't be wise and try to fix those things in our lives that need to be taken care of. But lying awake at night fixated on something that hasn't even taken place yet is such a waste of effort, not to mention puts you, and everyone else around you, in a terrible mood. I need to just "Cast my care upon Him, for He careth for you" and then be done with it. How many times have I done this and found Him to be faithful? Hundreds. But then, out of nowhere, some fear will take hold and I'll think, "Wait, this time is different-it's over for sure."
Sorry to go on and on about this, but I truly feel the need to write about my thoughts and remember yet another time that God is to be trusted, even when I forgot I could. Maybe next time I'll remember this BEFORE I have a mini freak-out.
In other baby-related news (this is supposed to be a pregnancy update, after all), everything is looking really good. I decided to take a group-B strep test this pregnancy (something for a variety of reasons I have always declined) and it came back negative: yay! I got my iron results back and while my hematocrit is not as high as it should be, it has climbed quite a few points from the last time. My blood pressure, something I have been in danger of a couple of pregnancies climbing too high, was actually so low this visit (94/65) that the midwife told me what to do in case I feel I need to pass out (so far haven't). I take it as a good sign that I am on the other side of the spectrum.
In my opinion, (and as you can see from the photos) my stomach is looking exactly like a basketball. Or maybe a watermelon, a perfectly round one. Anyway, there is absolutely no disguising this pregnancy in any way shape or form. With earlier pregnancies it seemed to take forever for me to show, and I got so many comments on how small I looked. What's funny is that I always end up gaining exactly the same amount of weight with each pregnancy, and end up at the exact same weight at the end, including this one. I am on target to hit the same weight that I ended up at with my first, 14 years ago. So funny. However, baby feels much bigger to me. Either bigger, or way more active. I am certainly carrying different than I have before, thus the watermelon/basketball.
I told the midwife Tuesday I hadn't had any contractions yet, which is unusual because I normally have preterm labor for weeks and weeks before the baby finally arrives. Famous last words. That night they began- slightly uncomfortable contractions with no discernible pattern yet, but a reminder of what's to come. I can't have the baby next week because Ben will be out of town, but after that, baby is welcome to arrive anytime it cares to. I am trying to savor the final days/weeks of pregnancy, and enjoy them rather than complain about them, but realistically, one can only do that for so long, right?
